


Grieving You

by moonstargom



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: 2yeon is a side couple here, Alternate Universe-Music, F/F, Jihyo the forever single friend, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-16 03:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13627578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstargom/pseuds/moonstargom
Summary: Momo tries to find solace in the death of a loved one, but finds something else instead





	1. Prologoue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there everyone! 
> 
> This was originally posted on AFF (under username @annatae) but I decided to post it here as well.  
> It's been a while since I last wrote so I might be a little rusty HAHAHA and also! this work deals with Momo trying to move on from the death of someone, so if you're not exactly comfortable reading this at any point in time, please dont. (Although there isnt much explicit details... I think)

_It feels like a terrible itch._

_That gnawing feeling that claws the back of your mind_

_Every single day_

_Every minute_

_Every second._

_It drowns me._

 

_Desperate to hang on to the life you gave me, I try to swim up to the surface —_

_only to be pushed back down in the waves, intent on drowning me._

_The world I see now is in faded grey, there is no meaning in life without you_

_“Live on”, you said._

_But how can I live on when you are not here anymore?_

 

_The guilt of living, drowns me._

_You taught me how to live in this cruel world,_

_But you never taught me to live without you._

 

_Every night, I try to sink deeper into our bed, finding your warmth._

_Smelling you in, pretending you’re beside me._

_Every night, I dream the same dream._

_You, engulfing me, taking the blow._

_Me, feeling the warmth of red seeping through my clothes._

 

_Passionate red that signified our love,_

_That same colour draining your life away._

_I wake up crying out to your name but no one replies me back._

 

_I should have died with you._


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ah, did I mention that I am @annatae on AFF?

_Everyday is a routine._

_Eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep._

_Repeat._

_It has been a week since you were gone._

_The house has been a mess, I have not been able to sleep well._

_Work has been difficult as well._

_I feel like quitting._

_I... haven’t been able to bring myself to see you just yet._

_The reality of you leaving for another world has not really sunk in yet._

_It just feels like you went on a vacation, and would be back..._

_soon._

_Jeong has been coming in and out of our house, fussing over the tiniest details, cleaning the house, making me meals..._

_I know I should feel thankful to Jeong but... I keep lashing out at her for moving your stuff._

_She said you’re never coming back._

_I know that._

_But..._

_I just wish that the house would have your scent a little more... so that I wont feel so alone whenever I sleep._

_So that the first thing that tingles my senses whenever I awake would be your scent._

_I miss you..._

_So much._

_My heart feels like its been torn beyond repair._

_I want to cry but no tears are coming out._

_I scream and shout but theres no one there to hold me._

_Why did you have to do that?_

 

 

 

“Just in time! I just finished making dinner. Come to the table once you’re done washing up.”

 

“Just leave it in the pot, I’ll have them later. Thank you though... You shouldn’t have.” I replied while setting my heels onto the shoe rack, putting my keys into the bowl perched at the top of the kitchen island.

 

“And come back tomorrow to realize that you didn’t touch my food at all? No way.” Jeongyeon cut across the kitchen and stood in front of me, arms akimbo.

 

“I’m going to have dinner with you tonight.”

 

“What about Nayeon? She’s finishing work soon right?” I asked quizzically, not understanding why she could not realise that I wanted some time alone on my bed.

 

_To your warmth._

 

“Some team dinner at the office tonight. She ain’t coming home till late.” Jeongyeon finished, stretching out her hands to take my bag away from me and also, to steer me to the table at the same time.

 

“Stop. I really am not hungry Jeong. I just need sleep.”

 

“YOU need food. Don’t think that I do not know that you eat close to nothing at work. Heck, even your colleagues called me to ask about you.”

 

“Jeong...”

 

“What would she think if you’re torturing yourself like this huh?”

 

“What do you know.” I challenged, unable to control myself from asking her this very question.

 

“I know for a fact that Tozaki would have wanted you to live a fuller life in her stead.” At the sound of her nickname, I immediately snapped my head up to Jeong, seeing red.

 

“What do you know?! How would you know what would she have wanted?! You have Nayeon with you every second of the day!!! And I?! Nothing but the ghost of her presence in my sanctuary that you’re currently soiling with your very presence.” I shouted at Jeongyeon, unable to control the words spilling out of my mouth.

 

_Stop it... Why am I saying all these to Jeong? She’s only worried about me._

 

“Precisely because I have Nayeon that’s why I know what she would have wanted.” Jeong began calmly, but I knew she was fuming inside, trying not to burst her anger at me.

 

Reaching out to engulf me in a hug, her palm drew patterns on my back whilst her head rested at the crook of my neck. “Because if the two of us were in your situation, I would have done the same thing as what she did.” She softly continued, as though speaking of a secret so grave that it was only for me to hear.

 

“Because I love Nayeon as much as Sana loves you.”

 

_There it was once more, another proclamation of your love for me, spoken by someone that was not... you._

 

We stood there for a long while, Jeongyeon sobbing against my neck while I stood motionless like a stick, never returning her hug back. I wanted to cry too, but no tears came out. Only the familiar ache in my chest accompanied Jeongyeon’s grief.

 

Your death didn’t just affect me. It affected everyone who knew _you._

 

You, an angel with your joyous smile and infectious laugher, became a real angel who ascended into the heavens, taking refuge in the skies.

 

You’re probably shining so brightly now, in the sky. So bright that I can’t even look up, so bright that I can only focus on the shadow you casted on us. How can I look up at the world when you’re not here?

 

Who is there to make me smile now that you’re gone?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story might be a little slow paced but I think its necessary so that the plot is more understood ;)
> 
> AND IM SORRY FOR KILLING SANA. REALLY.
> 
> Tell me what you think about this! It really keeps me going :) Thank you so much in advance!


	3. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double update!

 

“I know I should have came earlier. But can you blame me?” I slowly began, fingers working to put stalks of your favourite flowers into the holder.

“I’m sure even without me, the rest must have kept you entertained right?” I let out a light chuckle.

The only response I got was your smile, forever encased in grey cement. I took in a deep breath, suppressing the tears that threatened to fall.

“I’m... doing fine...ish.” I began, ruffling my hair which had been dyed brown — the last colour you had on your hair before you left.

“Still working at that office job you hated.” My hands touched the sides of your picture, trying to remember how your cheeks felt against my skin.

“Although I might quit that job soon...” My fingers went to my lips.

“Jeong said that a friend of hers was starting a dance company and asked if I wanted to work as an instructor there.” I pressed those same fingers onto your lips, remembering all the kisses we had.

My fingers curled inwards and I shut my eyes tightly as those memories became too much to bear. Biting my lips to prevent my pitiful self from crying, I continued on, trying to talk to you, making up for the times I did not come to see you.

“Should I work as a dance instructor? You said I looked the coolest when I dance...” I managed a small smile, recalling the fond memory when we first met — at the University’s dance competition.

“But... I’m just afraid that it would remind me too much of you.” My fingers pressed crescent shaped patterns into my palms, as though hoping that it would stop the tears that were freely falling on my face.  

“But... But.. Jeong said that if it were you, you would tell me to go for it. To dance my heart out once more. Because... that’s where I shine best.” The tears that threatened to fall, fell like an open dam and my legs seemingly could not take my weight as I slid down onto the ground.

“If I am able to shine brightly on stage, would you be able to see me? Wherever you are?” I cried out loudly, wishing that someone would reply me.

—————

“I saw her today.” I started, as I sat myself down on the dining table.

“Oh.” The reply came, along with a full bowl of rice which I definitely cannot finish.

“Do you think she was angry, Jeong? I couldnt go see her for a month.”

“You know she couldn’t stay angry at your for as long as five second you ass.” Jeongyeon replied, handing me another bowl once more. This time, it was a bowl of soup.

“That’s true...” Unable to refute Jeongyeon, I decided to enjoy the tranquility between us and mechanically brought spoon after spoon of food into my mouth. 

We ate dinner in silence, a long way from where we came. All the screams, all the resistance, all the frustration. It took everyone to come over to our house and to school me before I relented at started to take care of myself once more. As they said, “ _It’s what Sana would have wanted.”_

“I’ll take it.” I suddenly said, making Jeongyeon drop a piece of her meat on the table, which I effectively took it and put it into my mouth.

“What?”

“The job as a dance instructor. I’ll take it.”

“You sure? I mean, I—“

“I’m sure about it Jeong, it’s time to quit that bastard of a job anyway. She hated it... I did too.”

“The pay won’t be as high as your current job though?”

“Money isn’t an issue... As long as I’m happy.”

_That’s what she would have wanted._

—————

_Everyday is a routine._

_Although the routine had changed somewhat._

_Eat, sleep, work, visiting you, sleep, eat._

_It has been a month since you were gone._

_The house has been a mess, but I’ve been trying to keep it clean._

_It’s difficult to sleep at times but I get by._

_Work has been difficult, but I enjoy it._

_The reality of you leaving for another world has finally really sunk in._

_But it does not mean that the pain had lessen at all._

_If anything, the ache is ever-present._

_Traces of you stick out everywhere like a sore thumb._

_Where I work, actions of others would remind me of you._

_The flowers growing in the gardens and parks remind me of how you would pick them and give it to me._

_Couples walk past me and I get reminded of our dates._

_Your favourite snacks sold in stores remind me of the times where you swore them off in an effort to diet, only to fail miserably._

_Jeong has been coming in and out of our house, fussing over the tiniest details, cleaning the house, making me meals..._

_I am thankful that Jeong forgave me for my immaturity and had always gave me support whenever I needed it._

_I know that she is probably suffering as much as me, since you were her best friend._

_You’re never coming back._

_Jeong said I should try to slowly move on._

_But how can I, when I see traces of you everywhere?_


	4. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re going somewhere ;)

“And that’s all for today’s class! Remember to practice before the vetting next week alright?” I announced, after pressing the stop button on the remote control, stopping the music that has been continuously playing for an hour and a half.

Collective groans were heard after I had reminded them about the vetting and I inwardly chuckled to myself at their responses.

“Well, if you want to work in the industry as dancers, I suggest you take this vetting seriously alright? The CEO herself would be assessing the vetting so I advice all of you to get your head into the game.” I folded my arms, leaning against the mirror walls behind me.

Ripples of _“Yes, Ssaem...”_ was heard and I started shooing everyone out of the studio, preparing for the last batch of students to enter.

_After this class, I should head down to the ajumeoni’s place to get your favourite flowers._

Grabbing a towel to quickly freshen myself up, I took a swig of water from the bottle sitting next to the stereos, hydrating myself before conducting the last of my hip-hop classes.

As I slowly greeted each student entering the studio, they someone reminded me of the times where I was in their very same shoes, pursuing dance with a passion.

_All done to impress a certain —_

_Stop. You have lessons now. You can’t have your mind elsewhere._

As the clock struck 6pm, I promptly started the music, indicating the start of warmups.

_Just an hour and a half more before I can see you._

————  
“It’s been half a year since you left this world, Sana-yah.” I spoke, replacing the flowers in the flower holder.

“How’s life like, without having to care for utility bills hmm?” I questioned, all the while staring at your picture.

“But then again, you never really cared for the bills when we ever living together.” A small laugh bubbled up my throat, as I remembered all the times where I chased you to pay your share of the utility bills.

_“YAH! WHATS MINE IS YOURS AND WHATS MINE IS MINE!!!! MONEY INCLUDED!!!”_

_“MINATOZAKI SANA GET OUT IF YOURE NOT PAYING!!!!”_

_“YOU LOVE ME TOO MUCH TO MAKE ME STAY OUTSIDE!! HOMELESS!! AND BESIDES!!”_

_“WHAT!!”_

_“I’M TOO CUTE TO BE HOMELESS!!!”_

“Well, I can never counter that sentence — you know that.” I fondly recalled, remembering how you would worm your way out of this by trying to charm me.

_Flirting is always bad. Especially when the word ‘Sana’ and ‘flirting’ are in the same sentence. It gives the target heart attacks._

Just then, I felt someone bump against my back. Startled, I turned around quickly to see who was it. A lady, probably around my age walked past briskly, after apologising. Her voice was barely above a whisper and could have probably been eclipsed by the clank of her heels if she had not stopped to apologise.

Curious about this woman, my eyes had followed her until she had stopped in front of a niche. It was only 3 rows away from where I was standing. The lady was dressed in formal wear, but her hair was a striking copper brown. It seemed as though that very colour was an act of rebellion to the stiff formal wear she probably had to wear everyday. Just like me when I was still working in that desk bound job. I could not see her face clearly as it was blocked by her hair. But her shoulders were were trembling lightly — a sign that she was crying. Low murmurs could be heard as she spoke hushed words to the niche.

Probably someone very close. I had guessed.

Minutes had passed whilst I was still looking at the lady. All sorts of questions were brought forward in my consciousness:

_Was I like this 5 months ago?_

_Is she feeling the same devastation that I felt?_

_Was it a loved one she lost?_

_Is she going through the same things as me?_

_How is she trying, if, at all, to cope with the gaping hole in her heart?_

I was brought out of my thoughts as she started reaching into her shoulder bag. Fishing her intended item out, I tried to think of what she could be taking out.

_A letter? Or maybe a memorabilia left by the deceased?_

_Oh, she’s taking it out! It’s a —_

“Tissue... packet.” I mumbled to myself.

_Of course, she would want to dry her tears..._

_Wait a second._

_Why am I so interested in this all of a sudden?_

My head snapped back to your smiling picture and I let out a sheepish grin of my own.

“Sorry... Guess I got a little carried away there. But I’m not cheating on you alright. I’m just...” I trailed off, guessing that you would have figured out what I wanted to say, even without me finishing my sentence.

_Wanted to know if she is coping better than me in my grief for you._

Checking the time on my watch, I decided it was late and I should return home to prepare my body for another day of gruelling teaching. Pressing my fingers onto my lips and then onto your photo, I let out a hushed _‘See you tomorrow, my love’._

Taking one last glance at the lady, who currently has her head down, I turned my heel and started walking to the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this pace is alright! I’m trying to experiment with some writing styles within this work so... I hope that the story still flows well!!
> 
> Comments are always appreciated! Thank you to all who commented :) Love you guys!


	5. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! I’m sorry this is rather late ahahah I was really caught up with school and other things... but nevertheless, ENJOY!

It seemed like the lady became a permanent fixture in my routine.

Everyday, without fail, she would enter, exactly fifteen minutes after me.

Everyday, without fail, she would have a packet of tissue fished out to dab her eyes, preventing the tears from smudging her makeup probably.

Everyday, without fail, I would leave earlier than her.

It felt nice, somehow, that there was someone in that same space as me. The past few months had been just me, alone, speaking to Sana. The fact that someone was there warmed me — that the living do remember the dead, and not forget them when they have turned into dust and ashes.

We’ve never talked, never once acknowledged each other’s presence. It seemed like a forbidden thing to do, in this space where we strive to remember the ones we’ve lost. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy here, which is probably why I feel compelled not to talk to her as well.

For all I know, she just wants to be left alone.

_Like how I was during those first few months._

Life goes on as usual, with that lady in formal wear standing three columns away from me, acting as a soothing presence that I, was not alone in grieving.

——————

“Hey, got a minute?”

“Yeah, what’s up Jackson?” I replied, trying to finish the last of my stretches before standing up.

“BoA wishes to see you for a minute.” The choreographer replied languidly, using his hands to draw complicated patterns in the air.

“Me? What for?”

“Who knows? A promotion perhaps?” Jackson extended his hand out, pulling me up as I finished my stretch.

“That’s not possible, you know I’ve worked here for only just 10 months!” I replied, waving my right hand in the air to shoot down his pompous predictions

“Well, BoA only opened this studio 10 months ago you airhead.” Jackson did a bout of jetes around the studio, all the while replying stably.

“...Right.” I scratched my head and headed out to the door, not minding Jackson’s antics one bit.

“Have fun with the boss!” He cried out before I closed the door with a resounding thud.

Meeting BoA was always nerve-wrecking. She is definitely a nice person to be around with, but when she gets down to business... her game face is switched on faster than a lightning strike. BoA was also someone who expects a lot from her choreographers so meeting her privately could only mean one thing—

_She probably wants me to craft something out for her._

I gave three light knocks against the mahogany door before turning the door knob to enter the room. Her office was simple enough, white walls on all sides except for one, where a large mirror was installed. Probably for her to choreograph whenever she has a stroke of inspiration.

“BoA-ssaem, you wanted to see me?” I called out, and quickly enough, she looked up from her computer screen.

“Ah, yes, come! I have something for you.” BoA gestured at the seat opposite her and I promptly sat myself down.

BoA produced an envelope and passed it over to me, gesturing for me to look into its contents. Hence, I fumbled over the envelope and pulled out its contents.

As I quickly glanced through the contents of the letter, my eyes got bigger every second, not believe what the entire letter contained. Rushing through the sheer amount of words painted on white sheets, my eyes quickly picked out the key words and I, despite myself, let out a small gasp.

Well Jackson be damned. He could probably strike the jackpot if he bought the lottery ticket today.

“This...” I tried to formulate words but nothing comes to mind as I took another look at the contents.

“You deserved it. You’re currently the best I have and companies are looking for you to choreograph dance routines for their idols! It is only right that you are promoted to a senior choreographer.”

“But thats not all... the contents states —“

“That you are able to freelance your services to other companies you see fit. I’m not stopping you.” BoA finished the sentence that was emboldened in the contract.

“But... why?”

“Because I recognize talent when I see one of course! I can’t believe you stuck to a desk-bound job for four years before you came to work for me. Your talents were wasted in those four years!” Shaking her head, she swirled around her swivel chair before getting up.

“You, my dear,” BoA started, as she walked towards me, “have something that other dancers take years to master — the ability to replicate emotions of songs easily. Even children can understand what you are trying to portray with your body. This, is something that cannot be easily achieved.” She took my hand in hers and held them tightly.

“If you have this talent, you should show it off to everyone! Let them know that dance isnt something about moving our arms and legs around vigorously in an attempt to look... cool. Dance is about portraying our emotions through our entire being. Just like how music portrays their composer’s mind.”

_“I love the way you dance. It’s different.”_

_“Hmmm? How so?”_

_“I don’t know, it’s like you’re telling a story with your body.”_

_”Sana, you’re not making any sense.”_

_”What?? Of course I am! Ask Jeong or Nabongs! They’ll know what I’m talking about.”_

I look at my hands, encased by BoA’s and raised my head to look into her eyes. To think that someone else said something so similar to what she used to say...

_You really never left me, did you._

“Okay.” I replied, not knowing what else to say after BoA had launched into her great speech about dance and everything else.

Somewhere stuck between bewilderment and thankfulness, I bowed multiple times, and mumbled my thanks before leaving her room, the envelope clutched tightly in my hands.

_Gotta show Sana this!_

—————

“Look what I have here in my hands today! It’s a promotion from the company!” I quickly showed the envelope before putting it back into my bag, taking out the flowers I had bought today and replaced the older ones in the flower holder.

“Hmm? Seemed like Jeong visited you today? She would be the only one who would put tulips there, knowing fully that you hated them.”

“How’s life up there anyway? Getting bored? These days have been quite cloudy... the weather is turning colder once more — just the way you like it.” I whispered the last few words to myself, once again remembering the memories of us.

These days it felt more difficult to remember how your skin felt against mine whenever I held you close. Even your kisses... It’s getting difficult to remember how they use to feel against me anymore. I wonder sometimes if this was what people go through as the days go by, when the physical touches of their loved ones begin to slowly fade from their memories. Although I can still remember each moment with Sana, it’s the difficulty of remembering your touches that scares me.

Just then, my mind wondered to the lady who has always been 3 rows away from me everyday for the past 3 months.

_Would she have this difficulty too?_

And as if on cue, I feel someone walking past my back. The same jasmine scented perfume she has always been wearing wafted through my senses, as though greeting me indirectly.

I unconsciously turned my head towards her as she stood infront of the niche, 3 rows away from me.

She looked the same as ever, in formal wear, a bag slung on her right shoulder, her head slightly tilted downwards, not meeting her loved one eye to eye. Only one thing changed — her hair length. Her hair, now sporting a dirty copper, probably a product of many rounds of washing, had now cascaded down her shoulders, sitting lightly on top of her bosom.

As she resumed her daily routine in that space, I returned to mine as well. Speaking to Sana about everything and anything became easier as the months went by. No longer was I finding it hard to talk to someone that would never respond to me again, it was also easier to look at Sana’s photo once more. Little by little, I was able to slowly mirror her smile, a task that was much easier when she was right by my side at every waking and sleeping moment.

After telling Sana about the affairs of the day and my plans for the night, I had turned my heel to leave the area, not before pressing my fingers against my lips and then onto the photo.

The sound of the lady fumbling around for a tissue packet could be heard as my took light steps out, afraid that dragging my heel would interrupt her precious time with her beloved. Usually she would have been able to fish out a tissue packet before I walked up the stairs but this time, the fumbling did not stop.

I, in turn, stopped in my tracks to look at the lady.

The lady was frantically digging into every possible opening of her bag and her pockets, double checking every single opening with agitated hands.

 _Should I..._ I fumbled around my jeans in search for a tissue packet, clearly remembering that I had one stuffed somewhere in my pocket.

Once I felt the outline of the tissue packet, I slowly walked up to the lady, hesitant in my footsteps. I was not sure how she might interpret this gesture but if she needed help or something, I should try my best to provide it for her.

_After all, we are two people who are in grief of their loved ones. Surely there must be some secret pact written that we should help each other in times of need right?_

“Hey! uhh...” I called out to the lady as I was about to walk towards her, who usually stood 3 rows away from me.

Like a prey detecting the presence of a predator, the lady’s head immediately snapped up at the sound of my voice, her eyes wide with shock and terror. I got a little bit startled by her sudden action as well, but I continued to press on, in my act of solidarity — passing her a tissue packet.

“Ye- Yes? H-How c-can I hel-help you?” The lady asked hesitantly, seemingly afraid of me, yet embarrassed at the same time.

Finally seeing her face clearly for the first time, I could see that her eyes were beautifully shaped and round. Looking at her face in general, I could see that beyond her tears, she was definitely someone that was beautiful. However, this was not the time to scrutinise her so closely so I immediately went ahead with my task.

Extending my hand out to her, I held the packet in between my thumb and index finger.

“Here, a tissue packet for you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEY THEY INTERACTED HURHUR.


End file.
